So it's been a while since I wrote. I feel a bit like when I reread diaries from my youth. Every other entry is an apology to the diary, addressing its feelings of hurt and abandonment for not having been visited in so long. I am sooooooo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o sorry I haven't written in such a LONG TIME! I promise I won't do it again. Until next time.
I have a pretty good reason this time. And I think childhood was a good enough reason for those other times.
Anywhooo, I'm a bit over 6 months out of radiation treatment, which means I now qualify for some stuff. Stuff like people saying, aren't you glad treatment is over?! And stuff like, I'm glad you can put this behind you. And stuff like, the worst is behind you now. It's almost like they aren't reading my blog.
My brain hasn't decided to buy into these ideas and thoughts. I don't mean I haven't decided to. I don't spend much time thinking in the vein of those ideas, but if I did, I'd probably call bullshit really rudely on people. But I don't. I just don't spend much time thinking about much at all these days. Because my brain (as distinguished from my mind, although I haven't worked through that too much either) has been greatly affected by the chemicals they dumped into me last year, and are still dumping into me, and also greatly affected by the chemicals radiation causes to float through your body, and also greatly affected by the chemicals I no longer have adequate stores of because of those other chemicals, including hormones. Which are, you know, chemicals.
So, this brain o' mine is kind of running on a tank of fuel of the wrong type. Something like diesel in a regular engine, except I don't really remember anything about the combustion cycle from thermodynamics class, --- maybe one of the variables involved was "N"? N=0.85? Is that a thing? I'll ask Craig, I bet he kind of remembers. College is weird, they teach you a lot of things and then you don't use them. But it is fun learning things.
These flowers are pretty. I wonder what kind they are. Wasn't mamacon fun? Some of it was preachy, but most of it was enjoyable. I'm glad Kid1 (Am I calling him kid1? Older Kid? I can't remember, I have to reread a page in the blog and find out, but whatever). What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. I'm glad kid1 walked to school by himself today! I'm so happy to be alive to see him do that, when there was a time last year I was sure I'd be dead before he went to kindergarten. So glad to be able to see him growing up so far.
Beth's hair is getting shaved again today. It's kind of giving me PTSD, except not really the "P" part. I can't believe she has to do this again and forever until she dies. I sure hope they don't over-chemo her, like if it isn't working, let's just be. But that better be a while from now, because I enjoy her being alive, as, I am sure, do her kids. And J. I hope she sees her daughter (now 3) go to kindergarten. J is so sweet. I mean, I barely know the guy, but that's plain on the face of it.
I can't work my head around this idea that either I have metastatic cancer right now (in which case I'm glad I'm taking all these drugs that make me insane), or I do not (in which case I'm doing all of this, including all of chemo but not including radiation) for NO REASON AT ALL. Such a mindfuck.
What a great computer the Surface is. Maybe I should tell Sonja, she loves hearing kudos about MS products.
Those kids are really cute, look at that picture of my boys!!!
THIS. THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE IN MY BRAIN NOW. ALL THE TIME. ALL.
I've just been writing what I've been thinking, because I can't stop myself from rambling and from my wandering attention. It's not like I didn't have distractions BC. It's just that BC, I had a brain that could "buckle down" and "do stuff" notwithstanding distractions. I could decide that something had to get done, and do it. I can't now.
So yeah - I sat down to write that because I'm six months out of treatment, I qualify for a clinical trial on the effects of cancer treatment on brains. And I was talking to my oncologist last week, and I said, "You know, the cancer was just a lump in my boob, and all the shit you guys did to me is what's made my life so fucked up," and she said, "You're right." And I said, "I had to retire, sort of." And she said, "Man. Let's try something. How about Aderall?" And I said, "Well, Dr. Dobie said I should wait to take something like that because this could all still get better in the next six months?" And she said, "I agree it could, but so what? This is really affecting your function. You take a pill, and then for a few hours, maybe you can do something. And then if it's better in six months and you don't need it, then you don't take it any more." And I said, "What about this study?" And she said, "If this works, you don't need the study. If it disqualifies you, then we have to consider that, especially if the pills don't work."
So yeah. Cancer-treatment induced ADD/ADHD? They're prescribing Focalin for me. It's a something-fetamine, aka a derivative of SPEEEEEED. It's like medically-controlled speed.
So yeah........ what was I saying? I'm going to get juiced up. Right.
AND THEN -- maybe I can finish up some of this client work I've been trying to get finished, and go on my sabbatical. And then I can go organize stuff for people or something, because physically doing things, instead of mentally doing them, is much more my speed right now. Pun.
THIS.
This is my brain right now. I barely remember everything I wrote, so I better post this before I reread it, get drawn in, and then find out it's 530p, I haven't picked up Dean yet, Craig's home, I have no plans for dinner, and I still haven't posted it. This is my life these days.
I have a pretty good reason this time. And I think childhood was a good enough reason for those other times.
Anywhooo, I'm a bit over 6 months out of radiation treatment, which means I now qualify for some stuff. Stuff like people saying, aren't you glad treatment is over?! And stuff like, I'm glad you can put this behind you. And stuff like, the worst is behind you now. It's almost like they aren't reading my blog.
My brain hasn't decided to buy into these ideas and thoughts. I don't mean I haven't decided to. I don't spend much time thinking in the vein of those ideas, but if I did, I'd probably call bullshit really rudely on people. But I don't. I just don't spend much time thinking about much at all these days. Because my brain (as distinguished from my mind, although I haven't worked through that too much either) has been greatly affected by the chemicals they dumped into me last year, and are still dumping into me, and also greatly affected by the chemicals radiation causes to float through your body, and also greatly affected by the chemicals I no longer have adequate stores of because of those other chemicals, including hormones. Which are, you know, chemicals.
So, this brain o' mine is kind of running on a tank of fuel of the wrong type. Something like diesel in a regular engine, except I don't really remember anything about the combustion cycle from thermodynamics class, --- maybe one of the variables involved was "N"? N=0.85? Is that a thing? I'll ask Craig, I bet he kind of remembers. College is weird, they teach you a lot of things and then you don't use them. But it is fun learning things.
These flowers are pretty. I wonder what kind they are. Wasn't mamacon fun? Some of it was preachy, but most of it was enjoyable. I'm glad Kid1 (Am I calling him kid1? Older Kid? I can't remember, I have to reread a page in the blog and find out, but whatever). What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. I'm glad kid1 walked to school by himself today! I'm so happy to be alive to see him do that, when there was a time last year I was sure I'd be dead before he went to kindergarten. So glad to be able to see him growing up so far.
Beth's hair is getting shaved again today. It's kind of giving me PTSD, except not really the "P" part. I can't believe she has to do this again and forever until she dies. I sure hope they don't over-chemo her, like if it isn't working, let's just be. But that better be a while from now, because I enjoy her being alive, as, I am sure, do her kids. And J. I hope she sees her daughter (now 3) go to kindergarten. J is so sweet. I mean, I barely know the guy, but that's plain on the face of it.
I can't work my head around this idea that either I have metastatic cancer right now (in which case I'm glad I'm taking all these drugs that make me insane), or I do not (in which case I'm doing all of this, including all of chemo but not including radiation) for NO REASON AT ALL. Such a mindfuck.
What a great computer the Surface is. Maybe I should tell Sonja, she loves hearing kudos about MS products.
Those kids are really cute, look at that picture of my boys!!!
THIS. THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE IN MY BRAIN NOW. ALL THE TIME. ALL.
I've just been writing what I've been thinking, because I can't stop myself from rambling and from my wandering attention. It's not like I didn't have distractions BC. It's just that BC, I had a brain that could "buckle down" and "do stuff" notwithstanding distractions. I could decide that something had to get done, and do it. I can't now.
So yeah - I sat down to write that because I'm six months out of treatment, I qualify for a clinical trial on the effects of cancer treatment on brains. And I was talking to my oncologist last week, and I said, "You know, the cancer was just a lump in my boob, and all the shit you guys did to me is what's made my life so fucked up," and she said, "You're right." And I said, "I had to retire, sort of." And she said, "Man. Let's try something. How about Aderall?" And I said, "Well, Dr. Dobie said I should wait to take something like that because this could all still get better in the next six months?" And she said, "I agree it could, but so what? This is really affecting your function. You take a pill, and then for a few hours, maybe you can do something. And then if it's better in six months and you don't need it, then you don't take it any more." And I said, "What about this study?" And she said, "If this works, you don't need the study. If it disqualifies you, then we have to consider that, especially if the pills don't work."
So yeah. Cancer-treatment induced ADD/ADHD? They're prescribing Focalin for me. It's a something-fetamine, aka a derivative of SPEEEEEED. It's like medically-controlled speed.
So yeah........ what was I saying? I'm going to get juiced up. Right.
AND THEN -- maybe I can finish up some of this client work I've been trying to get finished, and go on my sabbatical. And then I can go organize stuff for people or something, because physically doing things, instead of mentally doing them, is much more my speed right now. Pun.
THIS.
This is my brain right now. I barely remember everything I wrote, so I better post this before I reread it, get drawn in, and then find out it's 530p, I haven't picked up Dean yet, Craig's home, I have no plans for dinner, and I still haven't posted it. This is my life these days.
RSS Feed