It has been a really long time, I know, and I've wanted to write. Writing is so cathartic (not in my journal; out in the ether). But I'm getting divorced so I just can't write everything (because lawyers). And when I can't write everything, I somehow can't write anything.
But something broke that today. I had gone on this cancer retreat with someone I thought was a friend, about a year and a half ago. And I met this woman there. This amazing woman. And in the midst of despair over something a couple of weeks ago, I reached out to her, to see if she had any energy or bandwidth to meet up. But of course. She's dead. I just found out today that she died in late June, a few weeks before I emailed her. And I mean, you know they're going to die. But then they actually do. And you just type in the name in Facebook to see if you can reach her through facebook because hmm she hasn't responded to your email and you see this announcement and she's dead and that's it. Cancer ate her.
https://www.facebook.com/events/268490190180662/
This is the picture she sent me of what she did when she found out that this particular new drug, Ibrance, "is working wonders for a bunch of folks, but my liver tumors thought it was lawn fertilizer." She did this to be able to breathe again:
But something broke that today. I had gone on this cancer retreat with someone I thought was a friend, about a year and a half ago. And I met this woman there. This amazing woman. And in the midst of despair over something a couple of weeks ago, I reached out to her, to see if she had any energy or bandwidth to meet up. But of course. She's dead. I just found out today that she died in late June, a few weeks before I emailed her. And I mean, you know they're going to die. But then they actually do. And you just type in the name in Facebook to see if you can reach her through facebook because hmm she hasn't responded to your email and you see this announcement and she's dead and that's it. Cancer ate her.
https://www.facebook.com/events/268490190180662/
This is the picture she sent me of what she did when she found out that this particular new drug, Ibrance, "is working wonders for a bunch of folks, but my liver tumors thought it was lawn fertilizer." She did this to be able to breathe again:
So that's how I'll remember her, when I am done crying.
Also just want to add that if you die Beth Caldwell, I will fucking kill you. So get that fucking progression under control and untumorify your goddamn body because you know I'm not kidding.
My own health. My MRI came back clean. So keep on trucking with the current medication influx. Next screening in 6 months, and on like this for a few more years. My sinus surgery helped a lot, but not enough, so I had a sleep study and I have sleep apnea (WTF?) and now use a CPAP, which is actually fine except it takes up a lot of space on my bedside table. I have something wrong with my pinkie, it isn't broken, but something is wrong. I'm just ignoring it, but it hurts a lot on and off. And I might have to have surgery again for the stupid port scar, which was ugly but fine for a while after the revision, but which is now itchy as shit, all the time, and he injected it with some painful stuff to make that stop, which worked for about two days, and now it's itchy as shit again and also HURTS when I wear a workout bra. So if I do another surgery, they'll do three days of radiation on the incision after it to stop the keloids from forming. So yeah -- I'm putting that shit off, too. (Thank GOD I didn't have a mastectomy or I'd be like some torture-victim-looking mess.)
Also just want to add that if you die Beth Caldwell, I will fucking kill you. So get that fucking progression under control and untumorify your goddamn body because you know I'm not kidding.
My own health. My MRI came back clean. So keep on trucking with the current medication influx. Next screening in 6 months, and on like this for a few more years. My sinus surgery helped a lot, but not enough, so I had a sleep study and I have sleep apnea (WTF?) and now use a CPAP, which is actually fine except it takes up a lot of space on my bedside table. I have something wrong with my pinkie, it isn't broken, but something is wrong. I'm just ignoring it, but it hurts a lot on and off. And I might have to have surgery again for the stupid port scar, which was ugly but fine for a while after the revision, but which is now itchy as shit, all the time, and he injected it with some painful stuff to make that stop, which worked for about two days, and now it's itchy as shit again and also HURTS when I wear a workout bra. So if I do another surgery, they'll do three days of radiation on the incision after it to stop the keloids from forming. So yeah -- I'm putting that shit off, too. (Thank GOD I didn't have a mastectomy or I'd be like some torture-victim-looking mess.)
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